Falling apart I can not take it anymore
I can somehow still has not really understand what is happening just now. Although I - again - today was once again dead tired, I was actually pretty good mood, especially after working in the chick from the fish came to me and said, I would be starting in January with her - I say my probationary period and they were probably really take me - I was really relieved.
Sometime in the afternoon I then got a text message received by Christa (she is level in Bayreuth because her father had a blood clot in the brain and therefore mitm emergency doctor had to go to KH, which in itself bad enough is - the fact that the poor Mann has spent the last few years more at the hospital than at home due to cancer, nerve torn vein in the esophagus, etc, much worse) that it is shitty it.
I know I'm selfish man n if I admit that I have read the SMS and will be removed with the thought, "So, as always and I will not now the atmosphere can make it broken. "I do not know if I have Chris in the 7 months one day to be entirely happy or at least not even seen depressed. She is always caught in her thoughts, evaluates all she does and thinks from, makes to doubt himself badly, permanent in itself, always pulls a face like 7 days of rainy weather - I am trying really hard to support them, cheer up, to be there for her to listen to her to take her in his arms, etc, etc.
But there are days when it comes to me just sometimes not so good or I'm just breaks from work - not depressing or anything, just exhausted that I really must work hard in places, the strong play for both of us to fight for them with to support it and often wear a bit.
Then she calls me just now and suddenly I have the feeling that the world is falling over me. She tells her is really bad, her therapist, she on Thursday, before she went home, she really wanted to put for 2 weeks for acute treatment in a psychiatric hospital because it classifies Christa gefärdet as acutely suicidal. Christa says she would have in the past few weeks had never really shown you go (but she has always shown that it is not doing well just obviously not the full extent) and now she tells me all this - on the phone - hundreds of miles away from me and tells me I do not worry! Yeah nee is! I am now, of course, the peace itself, is yes or logical?
I then once again as the first reacts angrily - my first reaction to everything and she said she is glad that she did tell me over the phone and I do not have to sit opposite when I am. Yes thank you. I know myself that I see in a way, but we damn überreagier talking about suicide - the fact that I'm going to sleep all night again because I can almost die in front of concern for them, because me, the words "suicide" "acute" " psychiatry, "now in brain circuits.
I do not like to go from here - I can not more helped to fight for them, I've even really enough to do - the training calls have the strength and time, I have since not enough left her continuing depression mitzutragen, persuade her to always good to see her with this sad face, in their eyes to see that again in their thoughts is captured and tortured by them.
I somehow finds selfish, me all this to say from this distance and I am also selfish, always with sentences like "I'm afraid that you're away when I tell you something." I would certainly not be gone but if it continues like this - if they do finally gets its act together, sometimes more than a few hours where they do not have guggt depressing to himself and everything needs to analyze himself anwertet, takes everything too seriously and themselves so mad and break something - then it makes me so sooner or later broken and just the thought is to put an end because they become almost impossible for me ever again comes with sentences like "If you'd gone, I do not know how to survive."
I could only cry grad - I can no longer so simple. I can not remember me, my life is already too much, I go with her not too clear and I want my life and finally so far get a grip that I once truly consecutive days in which I at least nothing Just got the shit just is, where I can say "The day was okay" without me again in the evening then pulls down. I'm tired - just tired from the disease, the symptoms, problems, analysis of life, the eternal question "why, why," the constant battle with me, illness, my environment. I can nothing around ...
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