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I do not even know where to start or say what exactly I -

Alright that's it for now.
Somehow I get the feeling from last-time's just a mountain, I feel crappy from day to day, would hide myself only, nothing more to hear, see and feel nothing in particular. I thought I'd get the absolute low point reached at which accompanied me the desire for death every minute and I hate that feeling.

And right now I do not have the strength to fight against it, I really fight at all levels, but these stretch my energy reserves are not easy, it is currently too much.

And I do not even know really why that is. I think a release is not the new group - body acceptance. The theme this week was his own negative body image, through which thoughts and actions automatically positioned to maintain this. And I mean clear to me many of these actions, as such, aware, but I can not drive out, exercise really is not really complete. But the analysis in the group really has made me again realize how much I really hate my body, my appearance, am disgusted before.

What holds up my negative body image?

first I wear loose clothing so that my bacon rolls can not see clearly. Clearly is aware that you can see my character like that, but not very detailed.

second I avoid looking in the mirror, because when I look inside I'm so hateful to my sight that I could smash the mirror and losheulen wutendbrannt because the voice in my head I just insults such as "Look at you you fat pig" zuhisst

third I express myself in front of photographs, because when I see the photos, my face we can see, I could puke real.

4th I do not go swimming because I was in a bathing suit my bacon rolls even see - with wide T-shirts I see it yourself that is any more than other

5th I avoid touching, even hugs, on the other because I want to feel my fat.

6th I'm usually traveling alone because I am the people I know, my friends and acquaintances who do not trust in the eyes - because I am ashamed of my appearance and feel as a failure.

Joah, these were the rough points. And I was so fix me apart pulled down really, right now I want me back in my underweight time - shit yes I went - physically. But now walk me emotionally crappy and I was able to endure physical pain better than mental

And Christa -. I love her but right now I think it is hardly out of her - just pulls me down even more. You are currently doing not so well - the whole week and I really just do not have the space in my head then I also deal with her still Balast - I'm really sorry, but we are now talking since last week every day a and the same - they wanted someone would do it physically hurt because they do not manage themselves (this statement does turn me fucking hurt) that she's not used to having it just hurts no one, make a new things to fear and equally little is etc pp . Every day, the same rates - I can not hear. And that's why I feel crappy then n pieces because I'm thinking, hello! She is your girlfriend, you have to listen to her, support them, help her. No matter how many times they said the same, so long until you feel better. But I get real - I know non - ne total rage when I think of it. I hate it when people constantly tell me the same thing. That made me mad during my Ma - the also tells everything double and triple. I can remember that even the first time, I just want the same non-story 10,000 times listening I'm sorry!

And these thoughts I'd like to hit against ne wall to do with full power down or throw me ne stairs, break me something, somehow physically hurt because my head just say, for such selfish thoughts you deserve it. Or, I was not so afraid of the calories and that I thus influencing Christa single negative, I would now like to get drunk really, totally full run of everything to forget. I just hate myself so much that I can hardly stand it ...